@Diane_7A

The closest I’ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.

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@NewDadNotes

I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation

@UnFitz

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

@pixelatedboat

*Bashar al-Assad pulls the fake handshake/hair slick move on Trump*
Dems: Yesssssss! Assad is bae now!

@TweetPotato314

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

@notlaneydelaney

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

@secondofhername

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

@ArfMeasures

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.