It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
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Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
me making someone eat a chip with my mind