The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
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me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.