The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
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Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
A comic by Dan Piraro
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.