Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

Put the is in disheveled

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about