The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
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Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.