the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
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There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I could NOT have put it better myself.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack