the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
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“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.