The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
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Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Customer is always right
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
😅🤣😂
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?