The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
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If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
What number SPF blocks people?
My teenage children choosing violence
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Note to self: always read the final line
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.