The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
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It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
