The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
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I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
Do not steal food from the science building!
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
