The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
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ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Going to church you guys need anything
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’