The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
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My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal