The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
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You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
thinking about this
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?