The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
You Might Also Like
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.