Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours