Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

*updates tinder bio*

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy