The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
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This is funnier than it should be. 😂
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If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
a badder mouse
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
eating my hot dog hamburger style
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww