Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food