Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

😂

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.