@dance_blessed

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

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@amydillon

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

@KKAlThani

I’m not the jealous type. And no I don’t know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.

@thenatewolf

“Good luck with your little skits!”

-Shakespeare’s mom.

@FeelingMervis

Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??

@LostFelicia

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

@jasonroeder

When you’re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don’t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.

@Pundamentalism

“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”

“Any sides?”

“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”

@WilliamAder

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

@Spaced_Cowboy00

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

@mindflakes

The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job