My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
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I’m not the jealous type. And no I don’t know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.
“Good luck with your little skits!”
Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
When you’re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don’t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job