I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
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Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
2019: gonna take my horse to the old town road
2020: gonna have to eat my horse
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I put another shrimp on the barbie and now Ken is all pissed off.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.