@dance_blessed

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

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@mactx85

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

@SvnSxty

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

@_ElvishPresley_

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

@portmanteauface

2019: gonna take my horse to the old town road

2020: gonna have to eat my horse

@Steven37366100

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

@GrantTanaka

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

@hidingfromme

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.

@dresspants

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

@Los01001111

I put another shrimp on the barbie and now Ken is all pissed off.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.