The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
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[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit