The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
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Wikigenius
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover