Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

!!!!!!!!!!!

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

This one never gets the credit it deserves

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.