The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
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Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Sharon I have some bad news
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
2 years later
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
thanks auntie mary
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”