The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
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I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder