The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
You Might Also Like
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
opening twitter today
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that