The collective noun for a group of gorillas should be a ‘kongregation’.
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No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
How do I get a job writing these texts
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
won’t smith
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
A warm tortilla will open up your pores nicely. Don’t ask me how I know this.
A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot