The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
You Might Also Like
Jus’ sayin. 😐
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Today’s Times
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.