The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
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Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners