Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

are there any atheist mantises?

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

Lunatics are gonna loon.

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.