Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

#Caturday

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.