The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
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colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
calling in to work dehydrated
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.