Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

Banking tips

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

This seems like peak sibling energy

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision