The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
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judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*