Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.