Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

*1776

Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)I like it

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

*seductively corrects your posture*

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.