Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.