The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
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I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
So glad we cleared that up
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.