Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

🔦🌙👣

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*