Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.