Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN