Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.