Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always a housemaid, never a house.

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch