The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
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I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Lmao the reply
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.