The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
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never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Some of y’all tomorrow …
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.