The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
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You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
‘I know a black person’
– White people
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.