The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
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I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
TODAY
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.