Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

me: hey your birthday is one day away

6yo: we just call that tomorrow

me:

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?