The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
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There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Oh we’ve met.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.