The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
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Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.