The Compass
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My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Always.
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hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
LA today:
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.