the composer
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Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.