the composer
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“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”