Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?