Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.