The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
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It’s an epidemic…
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Oops
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.