Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

I disagree with my politics

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.