Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

bugs when you lift up a rock

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

Hero horse inspires millions

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security