The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
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I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.