The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
You Might Also Like
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
fr
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Lol.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”