The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
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I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
You might just have to resign…
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club