The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
You Might Also Like
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Did…did a minotaur write this
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks