The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
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Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
