the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
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The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
The honesty is refreshing
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
you have three unread messages
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Awesome parenting 😂
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.