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Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels