The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
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Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Always…
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
My friend is an excellent librarian.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.