The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
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I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Food gives you energy to nap more.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.