The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
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GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff