The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
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INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.