The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
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When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Wait a minute…
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you