Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.