the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
You Might Also Like
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny