the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
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Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.